Before having kids, we imagined parenthood would be filled with joy and precious moments. But somehow along the way, many of us find ourselves lost and exhausted as parents, far from the joy we anticipated. It is normal and common to feel sometimes stressed out or even exhausted. However, when this is our constant state of existence, we are likely experiencing burnout - and we need more than a bubble bath or a night out with friends to recover.

In this blog, we'll explore: what parent burnout is, how to recognize its signs and symptoms, what contributes to it, and most importantly, how to cope.

What is Parent Burnout?

Parental burnout is more than just feeling tired or stressed out from time to time. It’s a state of physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion. It’s a chronic condition characterized by a sense of overwhelming exhaustion, detachment from your children, and a loss of joy in parenting. While all parents experience moments of stress and fatigue, parental burnout goes beyond the norm, affecting not only the individual's well-being but also their ability to effectively parent.

Signs and Symptoms of Parental Burnout

Recognizing the signs and symptoms of parental burnout is the first step towards addressing it. These may include:

Emotional Exhaustion: Feeling constantly drained and overwhelmed, both physically and emotionally.
Increased Irritability: Finding yourself more easily frustrated or short-tempered with your children or others around you.
Detachment from Children: Feeling emotionally distant or disconnected from your kids, and experiencing a lack of enjoyment in spending time with them.
Physical Symptoms: Experiencing headaches, muscle tension, sleep disturbances, and other physical symptoms of stress.
Loss of Interest in Parenting: Finding it difficult to muster enthusiasm for parenting tasks, and feeling as though you're just going through the motions.

Contributing Factors to Parental Burnout

Parental burnout can be influenced by a variety of factors, including:

Societal Expectations/Perfectionism: Unrealistic expectations of what it means to be a perfect parent, fueled by societal pressures and social media (Thanks Instagram!) or our own impossibly high standards that leave us feeling like we are constantly falling short.
Lack of Support: Feeling isolated or unsupported in your parenting journey, whether due to a lack of friends or family nearby, or inadequate access to resources, or not being able to identify or ask for what we need (see below about over-responsibility!).
Balancing Act: Struggling to juggle the demands of work, family, and personal life, and feeling stretched thin as a result. In our world, we are expected to do it all, and most of the time, it is waaaaay too much.
Over-responsibility and Historical Habits: Having a hard time setting boundaries; taking on responsibility for everyone around you while minimizing or completely ignoring your own needs; second-guessing yourself or blaming yourself when something goes wrong - are some of the life patterns that can contribute to parental burnout.
Age/Stage/Temperament of Our Children: Sometimes we are chugging along feeling like we are winning at parenting, and then BAM, our kid enters a different developmental stage and it brings up all kinds of our own stuff that throws us back into survival mode. Sometimes we can feel confident and grounded with one/some of our kids, but another of our kids triggers the heck out of us.
External Factors: Sometimes things happening outside the home greatly impact our ability to stay regulated. The loss of a loved one, a shitty work situation, the state of the world, the impact of oppression, dynamics with our partner (ok, this is happening in the home, but you get what I mean). These all impact what energy we have for parenting, and how stressed out our nervous system is.

Coping Strategies and Solutions

While parental burnout can feel overwhelming, there are steps you can take to cope and regain balance:

Prioritize You: Learn to say no. Learn to ask for what you need. Reconnect with hobbies and self-care that have fallen by the way-side. I’m not gonna lie, this work is hard. But recovering from burnout often requires a radical shift of the patterns, structures and habits in your life. Take this as your opportunity for growth.
Seek Support: Reach out to friends, family members, or professionals who can offer understanding, encouragement, and practical assistance. Connection is a strong antidote to burnout.
Practice Self-Compassion: You are a good parent, even if you are struggling. Remind yourself of this.
Do Your Own Healing Work: Therapy can help shed the layers of burnout by doing deep healing work to: 1) heal your own childhood wounds that are being triggered; 2) rewire your brain and nervous system’s response to stressors; 3) shift unhelpful patterns; and 4) help you develop effective and tailored coping strategies that actually work in the moment.
Celebrate Small Victories: Take time to acknowledge and celebrate the little victories and moments of joy in your day.

Where Do You Go From Here?

Parental burnout is a common yet often overlooked phenomenon that can have serious consequences for both parents and children. By recognizing the signs and symptoms, implementing coping strategies, and healing what is being triggered, you can take proactive steps towards reclaiming the joy in parenting. Remember, you don't have to navigate this journey alone – reach out for support when you need it, and remember to prioritize your own well-being along the way.

If you want to learn more about parent burnout or you are looking for support to move from burnout to a place of connection, presence and joy, feel free to reach out.

Cheers,

Mackenzie Kinmond, MSW, RSW Psychotherapist

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Resources:

Brain-Based Parenting: The Neuroscience of caregiving for healthy attachment. Daniel A Hughes and Jonathan Baylin. 2012.

I Thought it Would Bring Joy: What Is Parent Burnout?